Chapter 44

In the room where the dressing-table stood, and where the wax-candles
burnt on the wall, I found Miss Havisham and Estella; Miss Havisham seated on a
settee near the fire, and Estella on a cushion at her feet. Estella was
knitting, and Miss Havisham was looking on. They both raised their eyes as I
went in, and both saw an alteration in me. I derived that, from the look they
interchanged.

"And what wind," said Miss Havisham, "blows you here, Pip?"

Though she looked steadily at me, I saw that she was rather confused. Estella,
pausing a moment in her knitting with her eyes upon me, and then going on, I
fancied that I read in the action of her fingers, as plainly as if she had told
me in the dumb alphabet, that she perceived I had discovered my real benefactor.

"Miss Havisham," said I, "I went to Richmond yesterday, to speak to Estella; and
finding that some wind had blown her here,
I followed."

Miss Havisham motioning to me for the third or fourth time to sit down, I took
the chair by the dressing-table, which I had often seen her occupy. With all
that ruin at my feet and about me, it seemed a natural place for me, that day.

"What I had to say to Estella, Miss Havisham, I will say before you,
presently—in a few moments. It will not surprise you, it will not displease you.
I am as unhappy as you can ever have meant me to be."

Miss Havisham continued to look steadily at me. I could see in the action of
Estella’s fingers as they worked that she attended to what I said; but she did
not look up.

"I have found out who my patron is. It is not a fortunate discovery, and is not
likely ever to enrich me in reputation, station, fortune, anything. There are
reasons why I must say no more of that. It is not my secret, but another’s."

As I was silent for a while, looking at Estella and considering how to go on,
Miss Havisham repeated, "It is not your secret, but another’s. Well?"

"When you first caused me to be brought here, Miss Havisham, when I belonged to
the village over yonder, that I wish I had never left, I suppose I did really
come here, as any other chance boy might have come,—as a kind of servant, to
gratify a want or a whim, and to be paid for it?"

"Ay, Pip," replied Miss Havisham, steadily nodding her head; "you did."

"And that Mr. Jaggers—"

"Mr. Jaggers," said Miss Havisham, taking me up in a firm tone, "had nothing to
do with it, and knew nothing of it. His being my lawyer, and his being the
lawyer of your patron is a coincidence. He holds the same relation towards
numbers of people, and it might easily arise. Be that as it may, it did arise,
and was not brought about by any one."

Any one might have seen in her haggard face that there was no suppression or
evasion so far.

"But when I fell into the mistake I have so long remained in, at least you led
me on?" said I.

"Yes," she returned, again nodding steadily, "I let you go on."

"Was that kind?"

"Who am I," cried Miss Havisham, striking her stick upon the floor and flashing
into wrath so suddenly that Estella glanced up at her in surprise,—"who am I,
for God’s sake, that I should be kind?"

It was a weak complaint to have made, and I had not meant to make it. I told her
so, as she sat brooding after this outburst.

"Well, well, well!" she said. "What else?"

"I was liberally paid for my old attendance here," I said, to soothe her, "in
being apprenticed, and I have asked these questions only for my own information.
What follows has another (and I hope more disinterested) purpose. In humoring my
mistake, Miss Havisham, you punished—practised on—perhaps you will supply
whatever term expresses your intention, without offence—your self-seeking
relations?"

"I did. Why, they would have it so! So would you. What has been my history, that
I should be at the pains of entreating either them or you not to have it so! You
made your own snares. I never
made them."

Waiting until she was quiet again,—for this, too, flashed out of her in a wild
and sudden way,—I went on.

"I have been thrown among one family of your relations, Miss Havisham, and have
been constantly among them since I went to London. I know them to have been as
honestly under my delusion as I myself. And I should be false and base if I did
not tell you, whether it is acceptable to you or no, and whether you are
inclined to give credence to it or no, that you deeply wrong both Mr. Matthew
Pocket and his son Herbert, if you suppose them to be otherwise than generous,
upright, open, and incapable of anything designing or mean."

"They are your friends," said Miss Havisham.

"They made themselves my friends," said I, "when they supposed me to have
superseded them; and when Sarah Pocket, Miss Georgiana, and Mistress Camilla
were not my friends, I think."

This contrasting of them with the rest seemed, I was glad to see, to do them
good with her. She looked at me keenly for a little while, and then said
quietly,—

"What do you want for them?"

"Only," said I, "that you would not confound them with the others. They may be
of the same blood, but, believe me, they are not of the same nature."

Still looking at me keenly, Miss Havisham repeated,—

"What do you want for them?"

"I am not so cunning, you see," I said, in answer, conscious that I reddened a
little, "as that I could hide from you, even if I desired, that I do want
something. Miss Havisham, if you would spare the money to do my friend Herbert a
lasting service in life, but which from the nature of the case must be done
without his knowledge, I could show you how."

"Why must it be done without his knowledge?" she asked, settling her hands upon
her stick, that she might regard me the more attentively.

"Because," said I, "I began the service myself, more than two years ago, without
his knowledge, and I don’t want to be betrayed. Why I fail in my ability to
finish it, I cannot explain. It is a part of the secret which is another
person’s and not mine."

She gradually withdrew her eyes from me, and turned them on the fire. After
watching it for what appeared in the silence and by the light of the slowly
wasting candles to be a long time, she was roused by the collapse of some of the
red coals, and looked towards me again—at first, vacantly—then, with a gradually
concentrating attention. All this time Estella knitted on. When Miss Havisham
had fixed her attention on me, she said, speaking as if there had been no lapse
in our dialogue,—

"What else?"

"Estella," said I, turning to her now, and trying to command my trembling voice,
"you know I love you. You know that I have loved you long and dearly."

She raised her eyes to my face, on being thus addressed, and her fingers plied
their work, and she looked at me with an unmoved countenance. I saw that Miss
Havisham glanced from me to her, and from her to me.

"I should have said this sooner, but for my long mistake. It induced me to hope
that Miss Havisham meant us for one another. While I thought you could not help
yourself, as it were, I refrained from saying it. But I must say it now."

Preserving her unmoved countenance, and with her fingers still going, Estella
shook her head.

"I know," said I, in answer to that action,—"I know. I have no hope that I shall
ever call you mine, Estella. I am ignorant what may become of me very soon, how
poor I may be, or where I may go. Still, I love you. I have loved you ever since
I first saw you in this house."

Looking at me perfectly unmoved and with her fingers busy, she shook her head
again.

"It would have been cruel in Miss Havisham, horribly cruel, to practise on the
susceptibility of a poor boy, and to torture me through all these years with a
vain hope and an idle pursuit, if she had reflected on the gravity of what she
did. But I think she did not. I think that, in the endurance of her own trial,
she forgot mine, Estella."

I saw Miss Havisham put her hand to her heart and hold it there, as she sat
looking by turns at Estella and at me.

"It seems," said Estella, very calmly, "that there are sentiments, fancies,—I
don’t know how to call them,—which I am not able to comprehend. When you say you
love me, I know what you mean, as a form of words; but nothing more. You address
nothing in my breast, you touch nothing there. I don’t care for what you say at
all. I have tried to warn you of this; now, have I not?"

I said in a miserable manner, "Yes."

"Yes. But you would not be warned, for you thought I did not mean it. Now, did
you not think so?"

"I thought and hoped you could not mean it. You, so young, untried, and
beautiful, Estella! Surely it is not in Nature."

"It is in my nature,"
she returned. And then she added, with a stress upon the words, "It is in the
nature formed within me. I make a great difference between you and all other
people when I say so much. I can do no more."

"Is it not true," said I, "that Bentley Drummle is in town here, and pursuing
you?"

"It is quite true," she replied, referring to him with the indifference of utter
contempt.

"That you encourage him, and ride out with him, and that he dines with you this
very day?"

She seemed a little surprised that I should know it, but again replied, "Quite
true."

"You cannot love him, Estella!"

Her fingers stopped for the first time, as she retorted rather angrily, "What
have I told you? Do you still think, in spite of it, that I do not mean what I
say?"

"You would never marry him, Estella?"

She looked towards Miss Havisham, and considered for a moment with her work in
her hands. Then she said, "Why not tell you the truth? I am going to be married
to him."

I dropped my face into my hands, but was able to control myself better than I
could have expected, considering what agony it gave me to hear her say those
words. When I raised my face again, there was such a ghastly look upon Miss
Havisham’s, that it impressed me, even in my passionate hurry and grief.

"Estella, dearest Estella, do not let Miss Havisham lead you into this fatal
step. Put me aside for ever,—you have done so, I well know,—but bestow yourself
on some worthier person than Drummle. Miss Havisham gives you to him, as the
greatest slight and injury that could be done to the many far better men who
admire you, and to the few who truly love you. Among those few there may be one
who loves you even as dearly, though he has not loved you as long, as I. Take
him, and I can bear it better, for your sake!"

My earnestness awoke a wonder in her that seemed as if it would have been
touched with compassion, if she could have rendered me at all intelligible to
her own mind.

"I am going," she said again, in a gentler voice, "to be married to him. The
preparations for my marriage are making, and I shall be married soon. Why do you
injuriously introduce the name of my mother by adoption? It is my own act."

"Your own act, Estella, to fling yourself away upon a brute?"

"On whom should I fling myself away?" she retorted, with a smile. "Should I
fling myself away upon the man who would the soonest feel (if people do feel
such things) that I took nothing to him? There! It is done. I shall do well
enough, and so will my husband. As to leading me into what you call this fatal
step, Miss Havisham would have had me wait, and not marry yet; but I am tired of
the life I have led, which has very few charms for me, and I am willing enough
to change it. Say no more. We shall never understand each other."

"Such a mean brute, such a stupid brute!" I urged, in despair.

"Don’t be afraid of my being a blessing to him," said Estella; "I shall not be
that. Come! Here is my hand. Do we part on this, you visionary boy—or man?"

"O Estella!" I answered, as my bitter tears fell fast on her hand, do what I
would to restrain them; "even if I remained in England and could hold my head up
with the rest, how could I see you Drummle’s wife?"

"Nonsense," she returned,—"nonsense. This will pass in no time."

"Never, Estella!"

"You will get me out of your thoughts in a week."

"Out of my thoughts! You are part of my existence, part of myself. You have been
in every line I have ever read since I first came here, the rough common boy
whose poor heart you wounded even then. You have been in every prospect I have
ever seen since,—on the river, on the sails of the ships, on the marshes, in the
clouds, in the light, in the darkness, in the wind, in the woods, in the sea, in
the streets. You have been the embodiment of every graceful fancy that my mind
has ever become acquainted with. The stones of which the strongest London
buildings are made are not more real, or more impossible to be displaced by your
hands, than your presence and influence have been to me, there and everywhere,
and will be. Estella, to the last hour of my life, you cannot choose but remain
part of my character, part of the little good in me, part of the evil. But, in
this separation, I associate you only with the good; and I will faithfully hold
you to that always, for you must have done me far more good than harm, let me
feel now what sharp distress I may. O God bless you, God forgive you!"

In what ecstasy of unhappiness I got these broken words out of myself, I don’t
know. The rhapsody welled up within me, like blood from an inward wound, and
gushed out. I held her hand to my lips some lingering moments, and so I left
her. But ever afterwards, I remembered,—and soon afterwards with stronger
reason,—that while Estella looked at me merely with incredulous wonder, the
spectral figure of Miss Havisham, her hand still covering her heart, seemed all
resolved into a ghastly stare of pity and remorse.

All done, all gone! So much was done and gone, that when I went out at the gate,
the light of the day seemed of a darker color than when I went in. For a while,
I hid myself among some lanes and by-paths, and then struck off to walk all the
way to London. For, I had by that time come to myself so far as to consider that
I could not go back to the inn and see Drummle there; that I could not bear to
sit upon the coach and be spoken to; that I could do nothing half so good for
myself as tire myself out.

It was past midnight when I crossed London Bridge. Pursuing the narrow
intricacies of the streets which at that time tended westward near the Middlesex
shore of the river, my readiest access to the Temple was close by the
river-side, through Whitefriars. I was not expected till to-morrow; but I had my
keys, and, if Herbert were gone to bed, could get to bed myself without
disturbing him.

As it seldom happened that I came in at that Whitefriars gate after the Temple
was closed, and as I was very muddy and weary, I did not take it ill that the
night-porter examined me with much attention as he held the gate a little way
open for me to pass in. To help his memory I mentioned my name.

"I was not quite sure, sir, but I thought so. Here’s a note, sir. The messenger
that brought it, said would you be so good as read it by my lantern?"

Much surprised by the request, I took the note. It was directed to Philip Pip,
Esquire, and on the top of the superscription were the words, "PLEASE READ THIS,
HERE." I opened it, the watchman holding up his light, and read inside, in
Wemmick’s writing,—

"DON’T GO HOME."